5 Reasons Why This Blog Sucks

I spent a day or two looking at a few websites with articles about why certain blogs tend to suck, which got me thinking: does this blog suck?

I'm sure we've seen or read blogs that suck before, right? Those crappy, text-only earth-toned blogspot websites that look like they were designed by a teenage girl using AOL Hometown in 1997... Those pitiful, unimaginably boring rows of run-on sentences longer than a self-aware stephen king novel if it were in an interview more boring than a feminist at a TEDTalk convention...

I didn't need to compare notes to realize why my blog sucks, so I decided to compile a list of reasons why it does. (in my not so humble opinion.) If you are a blog admin reading this, I would encourage you to do the same with your blog as well.

1. No one reads it.

This blog has about as much viewership as a book review at the MTV music awards. Google analytics averages my posts at about 25 viewers: none of whom ever come back after reading the articles on here.

2. No consistent topics.

I started off as a comedian, spinning articles on other websites, then I started posting some shitty video game reviews I wrote around 15 years ago, and next thing ya know, I'm writing about how stupid social justice warriors are. I write about more random bullshit than a proto-femenist reptilian-kin bi-curious poly-romantic space unicorn with with a Tumblr account.

3. No consistent posts.

After working a ten-hour shift at a factory at 5:30am six days a week, I don't feel like writing about a thing when I get home. The only thing I feel like doing is sleeping like captain America after WWII. Even if I can be bothered to write something, you better believe it would come out like a month after initially writing a third of it. Nobody wants to subscribe to a blog like that, do they?

4. Blogger software.

Yeah, I said it. I don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but the only difference between Blogger and WordPress is that WordPress doesn't deep throat a donkey's nutsack quite as passionately as Blogger's software does. If I were to compare the two using some sort of arbitrary software analogy, WordPress would be the Adobe Illustrator of blogging software, whereas Blogger would be those Mavis Beacon typing simulators from 1996. To put things in perspective, WordPress is blogging software you install into your web space in order to build a website, whereas blogger is that E.B.T card for low-income welfare recipients that you would use to make the equivalent of an Eastwood Insurance commercial. Sorry Google; I love your software when you guys make it, but the moment you buy out someone else's, (YouTube) its about as well made as a Chinese wristwatch.

5. No one knows what this website is about.

This site doesn't have a niche to cling to, making it harder to find, and less likely to grab and hold the reader's attention. There are categories for gaming, entertainment, music, technology and comedy that are neither cohesive, nor are even a focus on this site at all. One moment I'm writing comedy, the next I'm writing "srs bznss" about a videogames. The people who come to this website come here looking for what they're interested in, and comedy gets more attention than stoic bullshit any day of the week. Sometimes I look at some of my old game reviews and think to myself: "if people wanted to read this, they could have went to GameSpot.com or IGN. Why the hell am I writing like I'm Adam Sessler with a midlife crisis?"

What I can do to fix it.

Make it funnier. All and all, if this website doesn't focus on anything, it focuses on everything. If it focuses on everything, it needs to make everything funny. Otherwise, this website sucks.
Write more often. Making a blog and only posting once a month is about as useful to a consumer as a newspaper is to someone with a freaking Smartphone and free WiFi. Writing more often means better SEO and more reasons for a reader to come back.
Make the articles shorter. No one wants to read a 500 page masters thesis on anything short of what they need to finish a book report. People have better things to do with their time than read 26 paragraphs about something that can be summarized in a single sentence. I'd be willing to bet that this is the primary problem with this website: the posts are too goddam long, and most people don't finish reading one before they decided to switch tabs to PornHub or xHamster.

If you are reading this and you have a blog, I encourage you to write a post like this one. Tell your audience (if any) what you think is wrong with your blog, and what you can do to fix it.
Seeing your website's problems from the outside in can help you make a better website.